Ever since I was a kid I've worried, obsessed and panicked about death. Mostly my own--the loss of consciousness, everything I've tried to learn and be just blinking out and gone forever in an instant. But also that of people I love, people I dislike, people I've never met, animals...I don't want anyone to die, partly because I imagine they must fear it as much as I do!
It doesn't take over every day but I usually think about it, even if just briefly, every couple of days, sometimes what seems like every few hours. It would almost be boring if it weren't terrifying, since I rarely get anywhere in my thinking, just go around in circles! It's definitely tiresome.
Anyway, I've been having a good couple of weeks where it doesn't bother me as much, but today I got hit with a big wave of it. I haven't been able to concentrate on work for the past hour or so. I think because I got a letter from Mom yesterday where she idly mused about what would happen to all our family traditions when the old folks were gone? It's true, I don't intend to carry on most of my family's traditions, cute as they are, and it must have had a delayed impact and re-triggered my fear.
So I looked it up on line. Apparently it's called thanatophobia, thantophobia or necrophobia. So many people on different sites and blogs articulated the exact same fear as me. So there are others who share it after all. But oddly, that comforted me a bit. Also seeing it called "irrational" helped. It doesn't feel irrational, it feels like logic brought to an extreme, but it's nice to think maybe it's just an irrational fear that could be alleviated somewhat. I also like thinking that most people truly aren't that bothered by the thought--that they can look it in the face and not avoid it, and it still doesn't terrify them.
Has anyone else had to cope with this phobia? I wonder if therapy or medication would help. I've always felt that it's something I can cope with because it's not debilitating like some forms of anxiety or depression. However, I think it's idiotic to think so much about dying, since it's just wasting what life I have. (I love my life; that's part of the problem--I don't ever want it to end! But I worry I'm not doing enough with it to feel satisfied at the end.) If I could get myself to accept it more or dwell less, that would be such a relief.
Thanatophobia
July 23rd, 2008 at 09:48 pm
July 23rd, 2008 at 09:57 pm 1216850276
Oh, dear, we might be twins. I was obsessed about death when I was young (I think that Walton's episode about fire started it), then what if my mom dies and I'd be left with my self-absorbed workaholic father. I'd be starved for love, but alive and fed. Then once my parents divorced, if my father died, I'd be loved, but I'd starve. Then I had a friend in high school who was murdered. Dredged it all up again. My DH finally had to say, "The only thing that is guaranteed is today. Don't worry about tomorrow." So that has been a wake-up call. I warn you, it gets worse once you have kids. If you have a miscarriage first, you'll perseverate the remaining pregnancies you have. And when you have your babies and they're ill, or they have febrile seizures and run abnormally high temps like 105. And then your grandparents die. And you get older, etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think that pondering one's own mortality is normal, but dwelling on it is a waste of time. And at the risk of disclosing too much of my identity to those who know me and might lurk here, my career was in psychotherapy and I've spent many years in school learning my trade.
July 24th, 2008 at 04:56 am 1216875396
July 24th, 2008 at 12:29 pm 1216902544
p.s. please, please, puh-lease do not request meds from any doctors. they'll readily give you anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds, and that's nothing you need to worry about until you speak with a psychologist-- if you even feel it necessary to do that. We're young adults, it's natural that we discover and recognize our mortality. I say just live your life from now on knowing that death could come at any moment. Maybe then you'll take the time to make those moments count. The existentialist in me thinks it's a good idea
July 24th, 2008 at 05:48 pm 1216921721