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Need a support group...

October 11th, 2007 at 07:35 pm

...for us bloggers with money-foolish relatives.

What do you say when they ask you for money? How do you tell if they really "need it" or if they only need it in the sense that they have no intention of pinching pennies and depriving themselves like you do? How do you pose that question to someone who has never really tried to economize and has always been in financial trouble?

Aagh...

Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments »

11 Responses to “Need a support group...”

  1. nika Says:
    October 11th, 2007 at 08:18 pm 1192133910
    1192133910

    You are simply not in a position to help them, even if you wanted to. Just say that.

    Do they just call you and say "can we have some money?". How does this happen?

  2. Caoineag Says:
    October 11th, 2007 at 08:25 pm 1192134353
    1192134353

    All I can say is don't do it. They will never learn to take care of their own finances if they can come to you for money. For my friend who almost ended up in bankruptcy court, she didn't learn anything about finance until after her parents cut her off, the more they helped, the more she spent.

  3. fern Says:
    October 11th, 2007 at 08:54 pm 1192136050
    1192136050

    I wouldn't even get into, either in your own mind, or out loud with them, whether they really need it. Just make it a policy from this day forward not to loan money. Just say no, i really can't, i'm sorry. Don't allow the conversation to continue on the same subject.

  4. Aleta Says:
    October 11th, 2007 at 09:05 pm 1192136718
    1192136718

    Ask yourself what you do when you need money. I bet you don't ask anyone.

    My Mom had to finally tell people that she had her money tied up and couldn't take it out. She wasn't lying, she put it in CD's.

    This person will ask someone else. Like some said above, don't even get into it.

  5. ceejay74 Says:
    October 11th, 2007 at 09:10 pm 1192137039
    1192137039

    It's my partner's parents. They've only asked once before, years ago, and then thought better of it before the check got to them. They did promise to pay me back for AS's college after messing up her chances to get federal aid, and never did, but I would have paid for her college even if they hadn't offered to repay me. But they are always desperate for money (even though their lifestyle is very comfortable) so I think whenever they see someone they perceive as having money, it's their first solution to their own ongoing terrible situation. I know they are asking because AS was bragging about how great I am managing money, even managing to put some aside. I'm sure they think we're nearly debt-free and putting thousands aside. They are goodhearted people in the end, so hopefully when AS explains the real truth (we're very much in debt and just trying to climb out faster now, and our savings are in the hundreds, not thousands) they will back off.
    Thanks for your comments! I needed someone to say I wasn't just being heartless. I will offer them some of my meager personal savings if it will help, but I don't think a hundred or so dollars would even make a dent. I'm not going more in debt, or slowing down our quest to pay off our debt, for something that probably will not improve their situation (or teach them how to fix it) at all in the long run.

  6. fern Says:
    October 11th, 2007 at 09:19 pm 1192137577
    1192137577

    Please stick to your guns. If you loan once, it will just make them feel more okay asking you for repeated loans down the road.

  7. madhaus90 Says:
    October 11th, 2007 at 10:28 pm 1192141692
    1192141692


    Just my thoughts ...

    If you can't "gift" it, don't lend it. My dear friend is a poor money manager and once I brought her grocery shopping with me and I paid for the staple of a decent week's groceries (dairy and produce).

    I offered to pay my brother's mortgage on one occasion (but he declined the offer and opted to borrow from someone who needed the money "less")

    We recently did not bail out my inlaws (poor money managers) who had their checking account frozen for some various reason. They make more money than my DH and we have four kids and manage to live on less.

    Be honest about your situation, that might make the request less reasonable.

  8. frugalhousewife Says:
    October 12th, 2007 at 12:13 am 1192147985
    1192147985

    You are NOT being heartless. Well, if you are, then I am too. I see constantly bailing people out as compounding the problem. Here's hoping that once they get a better idea of your situation they back off.

  9. mbkonef Says:
    October 12th, 2007 at 01:34 pm 1192196085
    1192196085

    You are definitely not being heartless in my opinion. I firmly believe that just giving money to someone like this is not truly helping them - more like enabling them. Maybe it will help you if you equate it with giving alcohol to an alcoholic or drugs to a drug addict. It is not exactly the same but is some ways it is.

  10. ceejay74 Says:
    October 12th, 2007 at 03:21 pm 1192202498
    1192202498

    Thanks everyone! We dodged the bullet--AS spoke to her mom last night and told her we couldn't do the $2K she wanted, but that we had some money set aside for a Halloween party and could send our spending money for the next few weeks--when she said it like that, her mom immediately backed off her request.
    It was some skillful maneuvering--AS knew if she outright refused, it would be perceived as some sort of filial disrespect, so she offered up what we could, knowing her mom wouldn't want to negotiate paltry sums with her daughter--she's only shameless up to a point.
    So we are back on track! We actually feel like we won a $2000 prize by not having to loan the money! :-) I really appreciate everyone's support on here.

  11. Aleta Says:
    October 12th, 2007 at 10:02 pm 1192226550
    1192226550

    ceejay: I'm glad that it worked out. Problem is that it's a parent and it can't be easy saying no. I too, had that situation and I can tell you first hand, that they were in their forties asking for money and are now 86 and 87 years old and it's the same story. They've had more money than most but have literally lived the motto about LIVE FOR TODAY FOR TOMORROW YOU MAY DIE. They have constantly lived above their means and GIVEN not loaned money to family members that squandered it.

    It is good that you are working on this problem with your partner now, because it can become a contentious issue if it persists. It has really caused arguments between my husband and I.

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