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My love story (trying to be brief but ...)

May 4th, 2016 at 03:49 am

I've always been upfront about my relationship because trying to write about our finances without revealing that facet would be hard. When I started this blog I made that decision and figured if I got a lot of negative attention or harassment, I could just delete it -- nothing ventured, nothing gained. Well, nearly ten years later, I can barely remember any negativity about my family structure, so here I still am! Smile

And then LAL asked if I'd ever said how we'd met, and I didn't think I ever had! So here's the long story short (OK, not that short) of how we got together:

The beginning sounds worse than it is. I first met AS when I was a teacher and she was a student. In 1996 I was fresh out of college and working in Georgia when I got in a bad car accident (broken pelvis, damaged spleen and stomach). My parents flew me home to Virginia when I was released from the hospital and I spent several months in a wheelchair, recuperating.

One day (after I was walking again but going nowhere with my life) my old high school English teacher called to say she was going on maternity leave in the spring and wondered if I would sub in for her. I signed up to be a substitute teacher and took some short gigs at other schools until she went on leave.

AS was a senior and worked on the literary magazine, as I had done when I was at the same high school. She wasn't in any of my classes, but she was often working on the magazine while I taught, and we'd chat between classes and during my free period, and after school.

After school ended and she graduated (1997), I was still living at my parents' house trying to figure out what to do with my life (I'd hated teaching and was terrible at it, and I didn't much like Virginia either). AS and I continued to hang out over the summer, and friendship soon (and surprisingly) turned to love.

After we'd been dating for only a week, she announced she was moving to Northfield, Minnesota for college in a month, and I said I'd move out there too if we were still dating by then. (It felt awfully sudden, but also like the right thing to do, and virtually no risk for me since I could always come home again.) We were, so I did! (Well, I moved to Minneapolis, where a friend of a friend had a house with a room to rent.)

I had hardly ever been a one-person type and AS was OK with that, so we dated other people but were extremely committed to one another. We stayed together during weekends, holidays and summers and when she transferred to a college close to me in 1999, we moved in together. Several apartments later, we bought a condo together in 2003.

In the meantime, we'd befriended a couple of British guys who were visiting one of our MN friends, who had spent some time in the UK during and after college. AS and I went to visit these guys in 2002 (I think), and they introduced us THEIR friend, who happened to be NT. We liked him instantly.

After our trip we corresponded occasionally with him and the other Brits, and in 2005 they announced they were all coming to visit. They stayed with us and NT met a MN girl and started dating her (oh the pangs!). So he made plans to come back and see his new girlfriend in a few months. However, she broke up with him a couple weeks before his trip! He couldn't cancel the flight so asked AS and I if he could crash in our spare room again. We said yes and this time, spending some time just the three of us versus a large group, things suddenly clicked and we all realized the romantic feelings were mutual.

We kept in steady communication this time and soon realized it was serious (Dec. 1, 2005). Over the next year, we managed 2 trips out to see him and he came out to see us twice. (All the travel, mailed gifts and long-distance phone charges certainly contributed to the debt we all had when we combined our finances!)

By April 2006 we knew we had to do something to get together permanently. The most expedient way was for him to marry one of us, come here and hopefully we could all then find a way back to the UK together. We figured AS's career goals made her the most primed for a work visa, so we all agreed I would marry NT.

I worked obsessively on the fiance visa process (I think it improved my organizational skills, attention to detail and persistence, which set me up well to deal with our finances later!) and in October 2006, NT arrived in the U.S. permanently. We married that December and were in completely irresponsible honeymoon mode until early 2007, when I realized we were about to hit rock bottom financially. Soon after that I joined SavingAdvice, so you know the rest of the story from there! Big Grin

30 Responses to “My love story (trying to be brief but ...)”

  1. Joanie Says:
    1462335460

    What a wonderful story! It's great to hear all about the different ways people find love in their lives.

  2. Kiki Says:
    1462336519

    Lovely story about love!! 😀

  3. LivingAlmostLarge Says:
    1462340049

    Cool. Why did you hit rock bottom financially and how? Now see I find that more interesting! LOL. What happened to the condo you bought in 2003?

  4. ceejay74 Says:
    1462341105

    Haha! Now this stuff I'm sure I've covered from time to time on this blog, so I won't do a whole new post. Basically, AS and I were complete idiots about money separately, and NT wasn't much better. I knew just enough to keep covering minimum payments while I racked up credit card debts over the years. Occasionally I'd try to get our s*%t together but it never lasted. Then AS got laid off about the time NT came her, and he couldn't legally work for a while, but we kept spending on CCs even though only I had an income.

    The condo was the one we finally sold in April 2015. We bought it for $207K, sold it for $133K (after having it on the market for about 9 months and dropping the price several times), had to pay nearly $30K to get rid of it (that was just what we brought to closing; not counting the $13K we spent to renovate some of the shabbiest aspects of it). 2014 & 2015 were almost constant drama because of wanting to buy our current duplex, which we weren't financially prepared to do, and one of the worst parts was trying to offload that condo.

  5. Buendia Says:
    1462344038

    Such a sweet story!!! We went through the immigration process, too - ugh! But worth it!

  6. alice4now Says:
    1462358330

    Sweet! It's lovely to hear about the many ways that love finds us Smile

  7. scottish girl Says:
    1462362716

    I love hearing everyone's stories, it's so nice Smile I actually went back to the beginning of your blog a few weeks ago. Then I was reading your Debt Graveyard page because I really like the idea of it.

  8. CB in the City Says:
    1462365614

    Thank you for sharing your story! I hope you haven't received a lot of negativity. I, for one, really appreciate your openness, and I am so impressed that you make a three-way relationship work so very well!

  9. PNW Mom Says:
    1462368831

    What a wonderful story...thanks so much for sharing! Smile

  10. Carol Says:
    1462369386

    Lovely story. Thanks for sharing.

  11. laura Says:
    1462369393


    Families come in all different sizes, colors, configurations, etc. I am happy to know yours. Smile

  12. Liz Says:
    1462369451

    What a great story! Thank you for sharing, so interesting to read.

  13. My English Castle Says:
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    Managing a two-adult family is hard, and I think we all admire how you've made your three-adult family work! Like Buenida, we've been down the immigration path too. It always makes me laugh when people say, "But it's easy if your husband marries a US citizen, right?"

  14. ceejay74 Says:
    1462371279

    Thanks everybody! CB, I consider us very fortunate that we've received very little negativity, here or in person. Parts of the internet and the world can be ugly places for people who don't fit the conventional standard, but I exist in a pretty nice bubble. About the only negativity I've ever experienced (besides some internet comments) was a customs guy who harassed us on the way back from England once. This next trip, AS will go through a separate line so that doesn't happen.

  15. Petunia 100 Says:
    1462372361

    Love the story, thank you for sharing. Smile I am constantly amazed and impressed that three people are able to navigate things which often throw two people for a loop. I suppose it must be that each of you are emotionally healthy individuals with above average communication skills.

    Do you ever make decisions which aren't unanimous? How do you resolve those matters? Do you have a "majority rule" policy?

  16. Butterscotch Says:
    1462374106

    Thank you or being so generous in sharing your story! I think it would make a cute indie movie!

  17. ceejay74 Says:
    1462374251

    You know, they generally feel unanimous, after some discussion, but I suppose sometimes it's because two people feel strongly and the other one has to be like, well, if both of you think so ... Smile With parenting decisions/methods, it comes down to majority rule a lot, I think.

    Also, I'd say we've come to recognize each other's areas of expertise. If it's something financial, for instance, 90% of the time we'll go with my opinion even if they both disagree. But there have been times where I've deferred to one or both of them in a financial situation. They both have much more of a handle on physical house stuff, and I'm so glad I don't have to deal with it that I generally go with what they say we need.

    In terms of interior design, we have certain rooms we all insist on having input on, others that are just for one of us to decide.

  18. ceejay74 Says:
    1462374331

    LOL Butterscotch, that's funny! No one's ever said that, but I could really see it. Wink

  19. MonkeyMama Says:
    1462374844

    Thanks for sharing. I had no idea you all had been together for so long. Hanging in longer than most traditional marriages, that's for sure.

  20. LuckyRobin Says:
    1462393821

    It is unconventional, to be true, but it probably helps that you are such a genuinely nice person that you don't receive much negativity.

  21. LivingAlmostLarge Says:
    1462398352

    Probably helps because there is ALWAYS nowadays more fluidity than you imagine in relationships. Nowdays so many people aren't married or married more than 1 time and so many blended families people probably can't judge. Besides the fact I know about 3 couples with open marriages but not poly if that makes sense. So I think you might be surprised at what people do behind closed doors. People are surprisingly not as conservative as one would think. I certainly was surprised.

  22. LivingAlmostLarge Says:
    1462398386

    OMG I just looked at your debt graveyard page. And it's impressive!

  23. Dido Says:
    1462399294

    Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad it has worked out for the three of you (having friends in a similar triad for whom it ultimately did not work out). They say that a triangle is the most stable of structures, and I am glad you are finding it so.

  24. ceejay74 Says:
    1462399390

    My old debt graveyard! I kind of forget about that page; I don't think I recorded our final push when the WV came through last year and I paid of the rest of the student loans...

  25. Tabs Says:
    1462402336

    To this day, I think your relationship stands one as the most distinctive and unique that I have ever encountered. Despite this, I've never found it weird or repugnant in any way. In fact, I don't see why anyone would object to people being in love, regardless of who or even how many are involved.

    So yeah, I'm glad you finally shared your origin story. It made me smile if nothing else. So yeah, thanks for the smiles today.

  26. PatientSaver Says:
    1462406275

    i never really knew who AS and NT were and sometimes wondered what that stood for. A most unusual relationship! Are there no jealousies though? Very interesting! I think the kind of relationship you have is less important than how committed you are to one another.

  27. ceejay74 Says:
    1462406299

    You guys are way too sweet! Thank you for all the warm fuzzies today.

  28. ceejay74 Says:
    1462406879

    No, PS, no jealousy. When AS and I had a kind of open relationship before NT, that cropped up from time to time, but not anymore. I faintly remember feeling some very early on and having my doubts reassured. Some other concerns in the early months, afraid of what would happen to my precious relationship with AS if something went wrong, fearing any sign of imbalances in affection. And rough patches/fights here and there, but seemingly no worse than a lot of couples. I feel like our commitment has gotten pretty well tested because the immigration process was no fun, nor the long struggle to get out of debt. Having to decide we couldn't go back to the UK was a test of NT, because he loves his home country. And of course kids are a test of how happy/strong a relationship you have. We're not perfect but I couldn't ask for a more committed couple of people to be with.

  29. Thrifty Ray Says:
    1462415158

    You know, I have wondered about the 3 adult household- I am happy to read that you don't/haven't receive much negativity- And thank you for trusting our site enough to share! I enjoyed learning a little more about you and your family today!

  30. FrugalTexan75 Says:
    1462591733

    I enjoyed reading your story very much!

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