I have always been curious about why some of you are cryptic when something big happens, but now I understand. Something big happened in my family and I don't feel like reliving it; I just want to focus on how it has changed me.
Basically NT had a health crisis that put him in the ER on Saturday and then on observation overnight. He's fine; everyone from the paramedics to the doctor who discharged us agreed it was just a fluky confluence of conditions that brought him to a bad state but one that, for a few minutes, looked very close to death.
NT is 40 and (as he puts it) ridiculously healthy. So it was especially unexpected and really made me evaluate how I live my present life. I had never contemplated losing him anytime soon; I always thought we would race each other to our 90s and he'd probably outlive me. And I still think that, but it made me re-evaluate anyway.
Plus, at least one of the factors in the crisis was likely exhaustion and stress. We all have moderately high-stress jobs that are a bit more than full time, and in addition NT is in college half-time, and of course we've got the girls, who are 1.5 and 3.5 right now. We cook nearly every weeknight and weekend meal at home, we're very strict about our budgeting, and we have an active social life on top of everything.
So Sunday night, the first time we adults had to really sit down together and think things through, we started talking about anything we could take off NT's plate -- and our own -- to make our busy lives a bit less all-consuming.
We realized that some things that are extra work right now are going to be temporary. For instance, we love our CSA, but in order to not waste any of the food, we have to be really really strict about menu planning. And in order to afford it, we have to be really mindful of our regular grocery shopping. Plus, the day it's delivered is extra busy. NT works early, gets out early, picks up the CSA, drops it at home, goes and gets the girls, waits with them at home until I get there a few minutes later, and then heads out for his late-night class of the week.
One easy fix we decided on is that once he no longer has to go get the CSA in a couple weeks, I'll start picking up the girls from daycare on Thursdays. That way he can stay at work or go to campus a little early; either way he won't be racing around in the hour or two he has between work and school.
We identified a couple other things, like NT leaving pots and pans to me and AS for washing 
and being more direct about asking for help when he was tired or feeling overworked. AS promised to not take any extra freelance work for the foreseeable future and to ask for more help at her job so hopefully she wouldn't bring as much work home with her.
For my part, I admitted that some of my money management added a bit of stress to all our lives. I was ready to say this because as I sat with NT in the ER, he mumbled something about hoping that it didn't cost too much and wreck our finances. This from a man whose blood pressure was like 70 over nothing. I leaned over and told him, "You know, I don't say this very much, but we're kind of rich. We can afford it."
And later, when he was asleep and I was waiting next to him with nothing to do but wait for his test results, I realized that this ER visit probably meant I wouldn't be paying off the next student loan in November like I planned. And realized that I didn't really care.
A few extra months of debt repayment is nothing compared with the lifetime I would have had to live without NT if he'd died because I didn't call 911. Talk about perspective.
So for my part, I made a couple of financial commitments to my family:
- We have about a $2000 monthly surplus in our budget, and I used to jealously guard it so we could put it all to our big-picture goals. But we're already ahead of our goal by about 4 months, and even if it took longer than the arbitrary deadline, so what? So I'm going to be more willing to pull some of the surplus out of my coffers and apply it judiciously to help alleviate some stress.
1. I'm not going to gripe about the grocery budget going over by a few bucks every once in a while. We'll try to stick to the spending limits, but if we go over, we go over.
2. AS takes yoga nearly every week, and it takes a quarter of her spending money, which makes things very tight for her compared with us. The yoga is good for her. So now when she takes yoga, I'm going to reimburse her from the surplus.
3. If there are little things someone in the family wants that takes money and we don't have a specific category for it, I'll pull from the surplus to pay for it. Examples include the occasional cab ride when AS has to attend a night work event with a long bus ride waiting at the end, things around the house that would replace something that doesn't function as well as it could, clothing that needs replacing when the person doesn't have enough spending money to replace it themselves, dinner delivery when everyone is feeling extra exhausted, etc.
4. I'm going to rejigger my big-picture goals to be less strict about how much per month I need to come up with, exactly when I need to hit them, etc. I'm still working out how I'm going to keep track of them, since some are about saving money and some are about accumulating money to spend. I am still going to track debt repayment, and keep all my spreadsheets going; that would stress me out more to stop than to keep going. And I still want to achieve everything that's currently on my sidebar. I just want a more flexible way to express and track them.
5. I'm not going to get upset about whatever hospital bills are coming our way for Saturday. Whether it's $1000 or $10,000, we'll find a way to pay for it without making ourselves crazy.
It's kind of funny-ironic that while I've been contemplating this downshift over the past few days, at least three other SA bloggers have expressed a wish to be MORE frugal and MORE strict about tracking, even calling me out as an example in one case! But I really think I'm in a good mindset to do this in a careful and safe way while still working toward our ambitious goals.
A new outlook
October 15th, 2013 at 02:49 am
October 15th, 2013 at 03:10 am 1381806642
The key is balance. We don't exactly have it in my household now, and I crave it. Til that happens it is all about simplicity and pitching in. And knowing what is important. We've had sobering reminders recently about what our priorities are.
Glad the NT is ok. Really, health and happiness are key in my book.
October 15th, 2013 at 03:37 am 1381808244
October 15th, 2013 at 03:43 am 1381808626
I think events like this bode well for balance. You get the sense how much better these things go when you are financially prepared, BUT, reminds you to loosen up a little. (I'd think the upside of being financially prepared would be enough to keep you overall on the straight and narrow).
Ironic, indeed!
October 15th, 2013 at 04:44 am 1381812270
October 15th, 2013 at 05:43 am 1381815834
October 15th, 2013 at 11:40 am 1381837208
October 15th, 2013 at 02:50 pm 1381848617
Second - I am so glad you used this situation to look at your priorities. I do this from time to time in similar situations and it makes for life value
Third - Your family is so lucky to have You. You are helping to meet long term real goals and also short term goals. So many people don't. You guys are blessed.
Fourth - thank you for sharing this. It encouraged me. I always like reading your stuff.
October 15th, 2013 at 02:58 pm 1381849138
October 15th, 2013 at 03:19 pm 1381850368
October 15th, 2013 at 03:53 pm 1381852417
Glad it offered you the time to look at priorities and perspectives. What am amazing gift!
Glad you have already figured out how to adjust things for the best of your family.
October 15th, 2013 at 07:53 pm 1381866824
That sounds very scarey! Happy that NT is well and back home.
I think your plan of "loosing up" a *little* is exactly the right thing.
October 15th, 2013 at 11:16 pm 1381878977
October 15th, 2013 at 11:28 pm 1381879721
October 16th, 2013 at 12:07 am 1381882076
I, like you, am very big picture. And it sometimes gets in the way. DH has to remind me to slow down and try to have fun and enjoy things and sometimes let the little things slide. We have so much on our plates, it's hard to be a stickler about every last thing. It can make parenting and life go more smoothly when you just shrug your shoulders every once in a while and say "it could be worse!"
October 16th, 2013 at 02:29 am 1381890576
October 16th, 2013 at 03:43 pm 1381938214
I think MonkeyMama nailed it -- I'm SO glad we're in a better financial position than 7 years ago, because the hospital bills won't destroy us as they might have done when we were living a hand-to-mouth existence. And knowing how important all the previous discipline was to our current ability to handle this financial hit will keep us from just going completely off the rails when I loosen up our finances.
I'm lucky to have a virtual community that's so supportive and constructive.
Oh and Miz Pat, I love your blog too and find it very inspirational.
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