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AS state refund came! And my weird state of mind

March 12th, 2013 at 09:09 am

Today I saw that AS's state tax refund already hit our checking account! I was surprised because we mailed hers in the old-fashioned way. I suppose they get done pretty quickly since not that many people file that way anymore. Smile

That's $1554 that we're going to use to pay my and NT's tax bills and to make some repairs and upgrades to our computer. We already bought a new power cord, and AS is taking it in to get the battery replaced. We're also going to upgrade the operating system. All told, a couple hundred bucks and it should be in much better condition.

Since we don't need to pay our taxes right away, I'm taking advantage of the extra money sitting in the account: I set an extra student loan payment a couple days early (I was waiting for payday on the 15th, but we can easily float the payment on AS's refund money until then).

***

I've been in kind of a weird mental place, it seems. I think it's the fatigue of wanting winter to be over, coupled with the exhaustion of having a 3-year-old and an almost-1-year-old, coupled with just not really having anyone to talk to at night. We get home, someone wrangles the kids while someone cooks dinner, we do the bedtime routine for the kids (1 after the other, since the baby gets tired a half-hour to an hour earlier than the preschooler). Then NT hits the books until bedtime and AS works on freelance jobs (or overflow from her regular full-time job). By then I just want to turn my brain off, so I usually stare at the TV or the computer or play games on the iPad.

I'm not depressed, but I just feel like I'm in a waiting period; waiting for spring, waiting for the semester to be over, waiting for this student loan to get paid off, waiting for our trip to England, waiting for AS's job to slow down at some point, waiting for the kids to hit various developmental milestones.

When I do develop an interest, it kind of obsesses me for a short period of time. After I saw Les Miz, I kept thinking about it, replaying the songs in my head and thinking about my favorite parts of the movie, over and over, for weeks. A few days ago, one of our Facebook friends let it be known that she and her husband had become polyamorous (opened their marriage). I find myself obsessing over that, wondering how it got started, what the exact setup is, how they both feel about it. I guess because they're some of the few friends we have who aren't monogamous, yet their arrangement seems completely different from ours. I wonder what the next mini-obsession will be that takes over after this one. Smile

If I felt really bad, I'd worry about shaking myself out of this stupor, but since I just feel kind of neutral, I'm not too worried. Plus, I've gone through phases like this periodically over the years; I always liken it to a field lying fallow for a season to regain its fertility for new crops later.

What energy I have at home, I try to give to the girls. It's hard to completely enjoy my time with them because it's so scattered and demanding, but I do believe people when they say that you really miss these innocent young days when they're gone, even if you can't fully appreciate them while they're here. So I try to pay attention and enjoy all their little quirks, their developmental breakthroughs, their innocence and unconditional love and trust of me.

Life is good, but life will be much better soon, I think. Smile

4 Responses to “AS state refund came! And my weird state of mind”

  1. laura Says:


    I can relate to the "waiting phase". I'm waiting for DH to move to the next phase of his professional life (diaconate). I'm waiting to figure out what direction we would like to go as far as growing our family. We were waiting to hear what was going on with Cambodian/Vietnamese adoptions. It look very promising, but ultimately isn't an option anymore. Do we foster to adopt domestically? Do we move on a special needs daughter from China because the agency we were looking into working with is accepting applications presently for the program? Do we do an embryo adoption and consider IVF? Oh, that is just a random sampling of what is whirling through my mind right now ...

    Thanks for listening; it was a little therapeutic to write it all out, or down.

    Definitely giving your time to the littlies is well worth it. Especially if Dad is studying and Mom is working (or Other Mom?) (sorry, that seemed a bit stupid what I typed). Have a good day!

  2. guppy Says:

    Me too, me too! Lately I just have this general feeling of malaise. I'm not "depressed", but I'm not exactly content. I'm caught with not knowing if I want another child yet, trying to pay off a loan that's taking much longer than expected, and not knowing what direction I want to head in at work. Usually I know exactly what I want and make steps to make it happen, but now I just don't know and that's frustrating. I find myself speeding up time in my head, too. Blah. Just wanted you to know I'm with you and we can commiserate together haha.

  3. ceejay74 Says:

    Thanks so much, guys! It's so good to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. And writing things out on SavingAdvice usually helps get me unstuck faster, so hopefully I won't be like this much longer. I wish you both luck in making those big decisions and waiting out your uncertainties that you have no control over.

  4. Looking Forward Says:

    I think we have all felt this way; waiting and wanting. I know I have and it's not really a happy place. I was just thinking my advice to myself would be - you can wait your life away, so instead enjoy the these moments while they're here. The constant demands of caring for children, running a household, working.. it is exhausting, but it doesn't last forever.
    I find that I get "focused" on certain things too. I think it's just a distraction/decompression for my mind. Smile (ps. I would find why my friend opened her marriage interesting. I find your arrangement interesting too.)

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